Better: A Memoir about Wanting to Die (Hardcover) (ISBN-13: 9780063295322)

A gutsy, riveting memoir that intimately explores suicide, its legacy in families, and the often cyclical, crooked path of recovery.

Why do so many people choose death--and take their lives by their own hands? How could anyone ever begin to understand what it feels like to want to die?

After a decade of therapy and a stint in a psychiatric ward to treat suicidal depression, Arianna Rebolini was "better." She'd published her first book, enjoyed an influential, rewarding publishing job, and celebrated the birth of her first child. Yet the pull of suicide was still there. One night, during bath time, as her young son Theo lined the tub with toy cars, she began calculating how many pills she'd have to down to effectively end her life.

In Better, Arianna interweaves the story of her month-long period of crisis with decades of personal and family history, from her first cry for help in the fourth grade with a plastic knife, to her fears of passing down the dark seed of suicide to her own son, and her brother's life-threatening affliction. To understand this dark desire, Arianna pored over the journals, memoirs, and writings of famous suicides, and eventually developed theories on what makes a person suicidal. Her curiosity was driven by the morbid, impossible need to understand what happens in the fatal moment between wanting to kill oneself and doing it--or, unthinkably, the moment between regretting the action and realizing it can't be undone. Then her own brother became institutionalized, and Arianna realized that all of the patterns and trenchant insights could not crack the shell of his annihilating depression.

A harrowing intellectual and emotional odyssey marked by remarkable clarity and compassion, Better is a tour through the seductive darkness of death and a life-affirming memoir. Arianna touches on suicide's public fallout and its intensely private origins as she searches for answers to the profound question: How do we get better for good?