Searching for my Faith: A Cop's Struggle with Good and Evil and the Question: "Is God Real?" (Paperback) (ISBN-13: 9781977232021)

"Believe and Receive." These are very simple words that can mean so much. Its all in what context they are used and concerning what subject.

Religion is a very subjective and personal. Years ago I would have never considered writing about my spirituality. I was brought up to respect others opinions and beliefs, and it would be unusual for me to talk about religion in open forum unless it was amongst family.

I can only say that changed dramatically for me about six years ago when I was experiencing the worst days of my life while serving a three and a half year prison sentence.

I had led a very respectful life up until somewhat later in life. I had raised three children and had a very successful marriage to a wonderful lady. I had fulfilled a life's dream and ambition by becoming a State Police Officer. I also had the opportunity to work on a Municipal Police Dept. in my hometown, and was highly respected for my work and serving my community.

My issue was I never could look inside myself and say with certainty that I believed in God or some higher power. I had seen to much ill will over the years. Too many bad people doing bad things. I would struggle usually daily with asking if there was a God. Oh, I'd pray usually at night before bed; just in case there was a God. And I'd go to church on occasion if I wasn't working the weekend mainly to set example for my children at the time. But mostly for me, I couldn't grasp the concept or reality that there was a higher power looking out for us, and as my mother would always say, "God loves us."

I actually envied my mother because she always seemed to be at peace with herself, and I knew it was because she believed in God. I wanted to be like her, but the harder I tried the more cynical I would become, and the more tragedies I'd see at work, such as homicides, suicides, assaults, etc. How could God let all these bad things happen?

Then in 2000 I injured my back at work and was off for a couple weeks. I tried to manage the pain and consulted with a surgeon. He sent me to a Pain Management doctor. Within months I had become dependent on the narcotics and it changed my personality and drive. I battled through the next six years fighting the addiction, the pain, and my new outlook on life which was full of apathy and despair. The narcotics had overtaken my lust for life and for the most part I fought depression daily.

I finally decided to retire because I had enough time in, and my work product was not that of the quality I was used to putting out.

I decided since I didn't have the stress of working everyday that I would attempt to stop the pain medication. I was able to cut back, but I substituted alcohol to numb me from the withdrawals I was having from the medication.

The problem with that was I now depended on alcohol to get through the day, which eventually led to being involved in a car accident where the other driver was killed. Subsequently, I was arrested and awaiting sentencing when my wife died of a brain aneurysm. The accident was in August, my wife died in December, and I went to prison the following July.

Needless to say I had no desire to think about God, or had any belief whatsoever He existed.

The story is told in detail in the early and mid chapters. As the later chapter's evolve and the prison experience is detailed, I tell of what I felt were miraculous events which began to happen. So miraculous, a complete transformation begins in my life, and the true story of "Believe and Receive" unfolds.