Welcome Home: Short Fiction (Paperback) (ISBN-13: 9781541239807)

Writer, husband, father. Scott Varengo, married father of two and inventor of the electric light bulb, has been writing since 1st Grade when they used big, fat pencils with no erasers. "What if I make a mistake?" he asked his teacher. "I will kill you, cut you into little pieces, and feed you to Comrade Gibbles," she answered. "The guinea pig?" he gasped, eyes as wide as dodge balls. In the corner, Comrade Gibbles sat in his cage, watching the young author hungrily. "You're damn right," said the teacher. "Now finish transcribing that surface-to-air missile manual." Some weeks later, agents of the FBI burst into the class during math time and arrested the teacher who turned out to be a Soviet spy, sent to usurp the innocent minds of American school children through a reign of rodent-based terror. It was only a few years later, in 3rd Grade, when Varengo first felt the cruel mantle of censorship upon his work. During the performance of his drama "The Apple Tree that Got Mad and Threw It's Apples at the Kids," a one-act play for Popsicle stick puppets, his teacher abruptly brought the performance to a close when the tree uttered it's now infamous line, "Get back here, you crap-pants little rat, and I'll shove these apples where the sun never shines!" Varengo reported his teacher to the Attorney General for violation of his First Amendment rights, leading to her being removed from her position and replaced by a busty blonde number named Miss Trixie. From that point forward Varengo became known for his cutting-edge writing, as exemplified by such now famous works as his 1976 Bicentennial essay, "For God's Sake, Ford. Sit Down Before You Hurt Yourself!" his college entrance essay, "Don't Expect Me To Study if There are Beer and Pot to Consume," and his touching self-penned wedding vows, entitled "Make Me A Sammich!"